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Things Moms Should Have and Should Know By Age 40

(Photo by Reg Speller/Fox Photos/Getty Images)

I am not a woman, nor do I pretend to be, but some of these things hold true for men. I just plain found them funny and thought I would  share a few of them. I have a lot of friends that are women and they almost lost the milk through their nose when I read some of these. See if some of them fit you….

By 40, you should have…

Cellulite that you play with when you sit “criss cross applesauce.”

Worry lines from every bruise, bump and first day of school that you lovingly freaked out about.

A drawer filled with mostly unsuccessful creams/scrubs/supplements for your cellulite, stretch-marks, dark puffy circles, and increasingly dry skin.

A cabinet filled with wraps/casts/prescriptions for your bad lower back, arthritic toe, irritable bowel, adult onset ADD, or carpal tunnel syndrome.

Saggy boobs that have been blown up and deflated with each pregnancy, like a Snoopy in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

Enough success in parenting that you have faith you’re kids will turn out ok (Well, maybe with minimal psychoanalysis.)

A bathing suit or shorts that you should no longer be wearing. A fact everyone is aware of, but you.

A pair of jeans that are too tight, but you refuse to throw away, because those 5lbs you haven’t been able to lose this decade will come off, you just know it.

By 40, you should know…

When people call you ma’am, they’re trying to be polite, even though it sounds REALLY rude.

How to cook at least a week’s worth of meals. (I mean, if someone had a gun to your head.)

That you DID become your parents, even though you swore you wouldn’t.

How to throw together a bus stop/carpool appropriate outfit in under 2 minutes.That said outfit doesn’t not need to include makeup, shoes or a bra… yes, even pants are optional.

How to make a man happy in 5 minutes or less. (For your benefit… and his, but mostly yours. Hello, there are reality shows to be watched.)

That as your parents age you need to start checking how much they tip the waitress.

That your parents didn’t know any more about raising children than you do.

See the full list by Jenny Isenman here

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